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Welcome to Our Blog for Current and Future College Parents
The reactions to my most recent weekly columns, “In Defense of Helicopter Parents” and “Is the SAT Obsolete?” have been fast, furious and too numerous to reply to each of you individually. This development convinced me that now is the time to launch something on the drawing boards for awhile here at College Parents of America. Yes, we’re creating a blog and, for this one time only, we are pushing it out to you for a look-see.
We’re calling it “Hoverings: A Blog for College Parents.” It is intended to empower you to clear your child’s path to and through college. The blog won’t replace my weekly column (which I will still push to you), though I do envision that it will be a place where we can continue the conversation that begins with my column, a complete archive of which is available here.
From now on, you will have two choices about how to get in touch with me. You can still e-mail me directly the old-fashioned way, either by responding to my column or writing a message from scratch and sending it to jboyle@collegeparents.org. That way your comments to me will remain confidential, and our dialogue will be private. However, I often find myself wanting to share the comments you send me with your peers, the nearly one hundred thousand other current or future college parents who are recipients of the column. This blog will accomplish that, as your comments (if you choose) will be posted for all to see.
I’m told that blog entries should be short, so I’ll sign off for now and come back another day soon, but on no particular set schedule. And yes, the “Hoverings” title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but this “helicopter parent” thing is on quite a media ride right now, so I figured that we might as well capitalize. “Hoverings” is sort of my College Parents of America way of saying “Musings,” though I hope that my thoughts will be a little more cogent than the analogy implies.
I’ll be back again soon,
James A. Boyle
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 12:11 pm and is filed under College, General, High School, Incoming Freshman.
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April 9th, 2007 at 5:39 am
cool blog!
October 8th, 2006 at 10:30 am
I am so pleased to see that parents are looking to support their children realistically and appropriately. I went to a very prestigious university in the 90s, and I will never forget what my dean said to parents on the first day: “Well, you can go home now. If you did your job for the past 18 years, they’ll be fine.” I remember my father telling me how relieved he was to hear those words. I was supported, yet not coddled, as a child. I took my lumps and bumps prior to and during college (difficult roommates, mononucleosis, unfair professors…you name it.) As a result, I have become a resilient adult, capable of avoiding messes when possible, and cleaning them up when I can’t. I only hope that the parents on this site realize how much of a young adult’s development is contingent upon parents “letting go”, little by little, in a situationally-appropriate way. Children and adolescents learn to solve problems effectively through practice. Without the opportunities for such practice, they will struggle when they are met with a situation in which they must function alone. These opportunities must be readily accessed at each developmental level at home, at school, and on the ball field or playground.
October 2nd, 2006 at 10:44 am
Regarding Noreen’s 9/28 comments: I don’t blame the colleges, I blame the parents. Do they expect their student to study in a room with 100+ cable channels? My son’s roommate’s gear included a fairly large TV. In discussing where the tv might go, with his roommate’s parents, I suggested “back home,” for the same reason. The boys agreed they could live without it. Today, many shows can be viewed as streaming video; students who want to stay ‘home’ can watch those shows (or DVDs) on their high end laptops. But why encourage that with an in room tv?
September 28th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
I recently took my one and only child to college this fall. She is doing very well and I have been reassured that she is and will be doing fine. Upon moving her into the dorm, a friend of hers who is living in a different dorm than hers said that he and his roommate have “surround sound” in their room because his roommates parents got them hooked up with it since they are rich. He also said that three rooms on their floor of freshman have big screen tv’s in them. How can this be?? Do all colleges allow this? Why would you allow your child a big screen tv and expect them to totally focus on getting out of their room to meet new people, get exercise and studying without the constant desire to watch tv?
September 25th, 2006 at 1:49 pm
As a Parent Relations professional at a private Canadian university, I welcome this opportunity for parents to share their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, and frustrations with post secondary education. At the beginning of this month we welcomed more than 600 new students to campus, along with about 500 of their parents. Through 3 informational sessions, we probably provided more facts than they could absorb on one day, but forums such as this one allow parents to work through the transition process in a peer group setting. In the same way, their sons and daughters are adjusting to their new reality in dorms and recreation halls across North America with the support of their peers.
Be assured that no matter how stoic they seem, your kids do miss you. I know from personal experience that it’s difficult to let go, even harder to watch them make mistakes that you know you could have prevented if only you’d been there, but so rewarding to watch them emerge at the other end as men and women of character.
September 18th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
In response to Harvard’s decision about early admissions..my daughter was admitted early decision(binding) with a declared major by Dec.15. By Christmas the meltdown occurred:wrong school, wrong major, ah but too late because it’s binding. Second semester was a joke as little homework was done due to already being accepted. I feel the early decision(binding) is the option to do away with whereas the early action still allows the student time to decide. There are so many factors involved in making the student’s first life alterating choice and I’ve seen too many students panic at the thought of college, that a “quick” decison by De. of senior year is just too fast…
September 14th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Regarding the helicopter syndrome: We just delivered our one and only this month to a great university across the country, made possible thru scholarships and savings. Thru HS his world revolved around us and vis versa. It is hard to let go! But I know this is his chance to establish his own orbit, and once he does, I am confident that it wil expand to encompass us. My husband and I agreed we would not call or write unless we are responding to messages from him, so he can be as independent as he needs to be. Did I say it was hard? We are sending care packages from time to time, to satisfy our need to “be there.” What helps is knowing this is such an exciting time for him, and remembering how I savored my first year at college, on my own. If he gets in trouble and does not call us for help, I am confident it will still work out. And when I really miss him I tell myself it would NOT be better to have a child afraid or unable to be on their own. (But we do still miss him.)
September 14th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
Every point made here is good. Glad to know we have lots of company. Certainly, if our son requests our input or advice, we’ll be there. (It’s unlikely he’d request our involvement, but should that happen, we will strive for a happy medium between support and supplanting.) I don’t know if I would feel differently if things had not started out well, e.g., if we’d arrived at his dorm to find out his roommate had taken “most” (vs his fair share) of the space. (We arrived first and were careful to not infringe on his roommate’s “half.”) I confess that I did have a momemtary loss of resolve when our son told me on the phone, he has a Russian, Russian Lit teacher he cannot understand, due to her accent. I gently suggested he may want to share that with her. My true impluse was to tell him to talk to her TODAY, or to call someone myself. But I did not tell him what to do, or jump in and deal with the problem, because from now on, our students are in the most protected environment they’ll be in. If we jump in now, what will we do - what will they do - after they are graduated and encounter “life is unfair” problems? I believe we must have confidence in the jobs we’ve done as parents. We must have confidence our student will learn how to resolve problems, even if it’s only by trial and error. Yes we as parents (payers) are consumers, yes we have a choice, yes it’s fair to expect more service from a private school. But if we don’t get the service and the education we are paying for, perhaps the best solution is to vote with our feet (or rather, our wallets).
September 14th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Just a quick reply to Bill: I had a similar experience when my daughter was moving in to her dorm freshman year. When she was experiencing difficulty with a roommate, I encouraged her to do the legwork herself by first talking to the other student and then contacting resident staff. When her concerns were ignored, I stepped in and met huge resistance-very frustrating…
September 14th, 2006 at 10:08 am
This is a tremendous service to all of us, James. THANKS! We just experienced a disappointment. When our son (a soph) signed up for residence space in the spring he was confident with his arrangements and roommates. In August he found out(on his bill) that his room had been changes and he had lost one of his roomates. When they arrived on campus, they found another student in the room who had come in early for FB and taken most of the space. Repeated contacts with the res. life folks went unanswered so we sent a note to the res. life director simply expressing our dissapointment with the way they communicate. We were further disappointed to get no acknowledgement of our note. This is a high end private school we pay alot for. I guess someone needs to explain to them that as consumers we have a choice and expect respectful responses to our inquiries. He is a problem solver and will be (is) fine
but we are frustrated at being ignored.
September 14th, 2006 at 7:53 am
I just wanted to comment that I couldn’t agree more with your column on helicopter parents. How in the world are we supposed to just ”let go of the reins” once our children are esconced in a dorm room?? Now that my daughter is in her 2nd year of college, we’re both more relaxed about the transition. However, this transition should be just that– a process at one’s own pace rather than the total removal of any parental involvement that most colleges advise.
September 13th, 2006 at 10:54 am
one of the issues is the change in sense of responsibility the colleges have. Student affairs officers no longer see themselves ”in loco parentis”, and for the most part, colleges are understaffed in this department. That leaves a vacuum. although it is reasonable to expect that seniors can be independent, it is not so reasonable to think that first year students have that capacity, no matter how bright and organized.