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Share Your Empty(ing) Nest Stories
Join Cara and Christine and tell us your own thoughts and feelings as you either experience an empty(ing) nest or look forward (with dread or excitement) to the day when you and your spouse will tackle the emotional challenges brought on by the natural progression of children moving on to begin their own adult lives. And tell your family, friends and neighbors about this Empty Nest section of our blog, so that a national conversation can ensue and that more parents can learn to move more easily through this difficult time. Please post your Comment now.
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November 15th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I feel so alone since my daughter went off to college in August. I long for the days when we were together at home.
September 12th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
I write a newspaper column on parenting my college age daughter long distance and since she is an only child being an empty nester. She is now a Jr. and this was the first one I wrote when she left for school 2 years ago.
In these days of cell phones, emails and instant messages, can the nest really be empty?
We took our one and only child to college this week. I ended up doing most of the packing myself. I gave her a cooler to sort through her bath room of beauty products and came up an hour later to find her with a green mask on her face and marveling over all the great earrings she forgot she had! That’s because inspite of three earring holders she usually tosses the ones she takes off into the back of the drawer.
It was faster for me to pack for her!
I too found lots of things in her room I’d been missing – mostly silverware! I guess I really did have a 12 piece setting! I’d begun to think I’d only bought an 8 piece set!
We loaded up her car and ours and made the two hour drive to Western. The kids starting college now are the Millennials. 81 million young Americans born after 1982.
An article in my sorority’s magazine, ‘The Angelos’ said, “they’ve never watched TV without a remote, can’t remember a world without cell phones and think first of their computers when they hear the word ‘virus’. Barbie always had a job, spam and cookies are not necessarily food and popcorn is always cooked in a microwave.”
Raised by their baby boomer parents who doted on them these kids were given every opportunity. They grew up feeling wanted and valued by parents who were heavily involved in their lives – even when they went off to college, which the group began doing in 2000.
The Boomers and Milleniums are tight. Lucky for us all there are so many ways to keep in touch!
When I went off to college I got a weekly letter from my mom and sometimes a care package to which she would add mail that came for me at home. My dad would call occasionally from work, usually when I needed airline reservations to fly home for breaks. (He worked for United Airlines.)
John and I were still in the car on our way home from Western when Brittany called the first time. There was an answering machine message on our phone when we got home. The next morning John said he had heard from her again. I asked if she had called and he sheepishly said, “I IM’d her.” (This from someone who’s always believed IMing corrupted computers!)
She had mail here when we got home. We scanned it and emailed it to her, then I tossed the hard copies in a basket in case she wants to touch it when she comes home.
Well, I’d better get back to cleaning her room. I thought it would be a treat to have it clean for longer then five minutes. And I don’t really mind – I’ve already found two pair of earrings and a cute shirt she left that I’m going to borrow!
September 7th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Just left my daughter 1000 miles away at school and I can’t stop crying. She is very happy and can’t understand my grief. My husband is supportive, but is taking it much better than me. I just called her from another room forgetting that she is not here and cried for 30 minutes. All I have ever wanted is for her to be happy and she is, however this is one of the most painful experiences of my life. I also feel guilty for making such a fuss when there are parents out there that have really lost their children to disease or accidents. I am so unhappy right now, I pray for solice.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
My oldest daughter will be leaving for school 3000 miles away one month from today. I know that she will be fine but I am going to miss her like crazy. My other two daughters (15, 12) just started school so my oldest and I have been spending alot of time together. I know that I will be busy with my other 2 and that even if my daughter was going to school close by, she would be busy, knowing that she is so far is going to be hard. Her presence will be missed.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
We dropped our youngest daughter off at college 800 miles from our home. I feel happy for her, all chidlren must move away from thier parents and find thier own way. As I read these posts I do not have the same greiving that many here do, it may be because my grieving took place when she became a young woman and not a little girl anymore and I was not her “hero” any longer, that was and will be the most difficult period for me as a father. As she grew through high school she and her mother became closer and so my wife is haviing a more difficult time with her absence from out home.
However, we both see this as an opportunity to be couple and to do things togheter that having children made it difficult. This not only includes acitvities as couple, but also as individuals.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
I left my oldest son 2 1/2 weeks ago only 30 minutes away. I was so thankful that he chose to go close by. It is easier knowing I could go by in an emergency, but he is gone. We will let him have a college experience and not drop by without an invitation
I have been handling the seperation fairly well. Today I was at the local car wash. I saw old photos of his friends on soccer teams when they were all 10. My son wasn’t even in one of those photos but I started to cry and couldn’t stop.
This site has been great. I cried with many of you, but now I feel a little better and less alone. I am going to go back to college and get the job I always wanted. It is nice to know I can now go to school to get a job I will love, eventhough it pays way less than the career I am in. Count your blessings
Thanks for this blog
August 20th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Michael is gone. He left one week ago. He’s off to live out his dreams, as a happy, confident, talented, brilliant, vibrant, hilarious, strong, kind, noble young man. What more could a parent want? Not this one. I raised him alone. I knew from the beginning he was not mine to keep, but it was my job to turn him out into the world to be exactly the kind of man he is on the path to be. When I am disheartened — and I encourage all of you to do the same — summon up the words of Kahlil Gibran on Children:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
We are the stable bows. Go celebrate that. And go skinny-dipping with your significant other………
July 11th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
I’d like to share a little something I wrote last year before my oldest went off to college - a little humor that I hope you will enjoy!
My oldest daughter is leaving for college very soon. I’m not really ready. First of all, I am much too young to have a child in college (at least I like to think so). Secondly, I am simply going to miss her. My home is not going to be the same – ever again. For 18 years I have had this wonderful presence in my life and in a couple of weeks she will pack up and move on. Of course, there are some things that I will not miss too much!
Like flip-flops. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against flip-flops. I have about a gazillion pairs of them in my house. 3 pairs are mine, 2 pairs belong to my youngest and I even think my husband has a pair – but the gazillion minus 6 belong to my oldest daughter. We are planning for a small u-haul to bring them to school. I’m not going to miss them.
Also, I don’t think I will miss waiting. You see, this is a person who moves slowly. This is someone who is always running a little bit behind schedule. I am that other kind of person – the one who is always on time. I work backwards before any big outing to make sure I start getting everything ready at the right time. I hate to be late. I definitely won’t miss the waiting.
Oh, and I probably won’t miss the last minute laundry needs either. “Did you do a load of underwear yesterday? I have none.” “Have you seen my new polo – it’s not STILL in the laundry, is it? I NEED to wear that today and I have to leave in 10 minutes.” Nope, laundry is definitely getting easier.
But, I will miss my best movie watching buddy. I did not quite notice the transition from Disney to Documentary films, but it has been a thrill to move the after movie discussions to more meaningful topics than cartoon characters.
I’ll miss those great dinner conversations where I get to see that she has really become an intelligent and interesting young lady. I’ll miss that third parent we had when her younger sister needed a ride to gymnastics and I had to be at a meeting.
My dinner clean up pal will be gone and we will not talk endlessly about the different schools that she liked and where she might end up. We won’t have to speculate about the things she will do in college anymore – she will be living it. My home will be forever changed as she transitions to this new and exciting stage of her life. No more tennis matches to watch. No friends dropping in for a movie or an impromptu dinner. No more High School award ceremonies, band concerts or proms.
OK. Maybe I will miss her more than I think!
July 11th, 2007 at 10:45 am
I feel so selfish as I write this crying, miserable, lonely . . we took my youngest daughter to the airport yesterday and sent her 1600 miles away to Florida. I don’t think I have stopped crying since. I just pray it will get easier. I have another daughter living close, but the emptiness I feel is overwhelming. Every time I walk by a picture of her I just loose it. I know this isn’t healthy, but I can’t seem to help it. I know she will be happy there, it just not having her here daily, saying things like “mom, could you bring be some advil” or just seeing her for the few fleeting moments before she went out with friends . . .how we take it for granted. I’m glad I’m not the only one having these emotions . . .thank goodness for this website!
June 18th, 2007 at 3:29 am
Two years ago I drove my youngest of four and the only boy off to college six hours away. His two sisters also live in the same town and I was born there so I was comfortable with him going there. My husband was out of town working which was completely new to us as he has always been home before. He was working twelve hours away from home. I arrived home after my six hour drive alone feeling a little proud of me for having handled it all and doing it all myself. I unloaded the car and started the wash and walked upstairs and totally fell apart. I had to call my second daughter who lives about 20 minutes away and ask her to come and help me get myself pulled back together. Between her and another good friend I make it through to mid-October when my husband returned home for good.
My son is home here as a stopping point on a move to the west coast and my daughter came home because she had a chance at a great paying summer job. I haven’t had anyone home in two years. I love it and I hate it. We are used to our quieter, simpler, less cluttered lifestyle. We eat when we want and what we want without worrying if a certain child will eat that. We have our belongings all where they are convenient for us. Now we have kids’ stuff everywhere and our stuf is being used by kids too. I have to search for my cordless phone, reclaim my tweezers and beg them to remove stuff from the living room. BUT I love just sitting in the room with them, going somewhere with them, watching them play with our granddaughter who lives in town here.
The hardest part of all this was when our son had been gone for 3 months and he tried to commit suicide. It took months before I felt he was safe again and I could relax again.
I am now working on recreating my life and rediscovering my interests and finding time to make friends again.
TO those who are feeling really miserable though I would get some help from a professional and get out there doing stuff. I did and it really helped me. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE and to ALL OUR KIDS!
May 15th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I’ve been almost mad with the grief of my daughter going away to school in the Fall. It’s all I can think about. She will be about 8 hours away, by plane, which is a huge distance, no matter which way you look at it. My life has been blessed beyond words by the relationship we have shared….but nothing will ever be the same between us once she moves away. I won’t be a part of her everyday, rather a guest in her life and there is no part of me that is finding any of this easy at all. I simply…ache.
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:15 am
Now that we are 2/3 through the school year, it is great to see that my daughter can function on her own without me…even though there is that little part of me that wishes she still needed me like a two year old does. There is nothing more thrilling than a child who can make it in the world strong and tall. It means my husband and I did something right. My time now is filled with helping other HS students, trying to help my 15 year old and communicating with my daughter at college.
To those who are really struggling with depression, try to connect with other “empty nesters,” other parents who are at different levels of “suffering.” Sometimes counselling helps so that you can find yourself and your way in the world again. Once, I went to counselling after my grandmother died. Grief can be overwhelming and debilitating. There are people who can help.
March 19th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
I am sorry to hear the sadness of Moms who miss their kids. This is my first empty nest year with 3 boys gone. My recommendation is this: Think back to what you especially enjoyed doing when you were young. Art? Writing? Biology? Helping people? Fill that empty nest! Take courses. Scan Amazon.com for books on activities you once loved. Or find a way to help other people. Volunteer at the library or a nursing home. Ever think about family history or genealogy? Scan the newspaper for organizations. Get a job in a bookstore. Once I can retire I plan to go to art school - something I’ve always wanted to do but never had time for. We are so used to giving - giving - giving. Now is time to think about yourself! Don’t let depression keep you from moving. Just start doing something - today - now.
March 5th, 2007 at 1:17 am
I am already thinking about the day that my nest is empty. I know that it will happen, but best of all I know that I will always be close to my children and be able to communicate with them. We have a video phone and the techknowlogy is so affordable that it amazes me that all parents do not have one at their house and one in their child’s dorm room or apartment. This phone enable people to be in conact face to face no matter where in the worl they live. The phone is too affordable not to have and you can get the service for next to nothing. If you weigh the benefits it is virtually free. This is not a web cam, but a phone with amazing quality that enables me to be able to stay connected to my family all over the world. I spend less a month then most people do in calling cards for a week! It is great and I am so thankful that I was not the last to be in touch with this. Check it out for yourself and see that you can have your nest full all of the time, even if your children do live thousands of miles away. www.5linx.net/mthach God bless you all and your families!
February 24th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I am reading all of these letters with tears blinding me and the familiar “chopped meat” clenching feeling in my stomach. My eldest is a freshman and is only 15 min. away but I have not been happy or myself since he left. I cry or feel like crying all the time. I feel the dynamics of my home are different. A quiet desperation is how I would describe it. How did this happen? How did 18 years disappear?? I still have a 10 year old son at home. Thank God. But I fear clinging to him to hard to compensate for the emptiness I feel. My husband thinks I’m being way too dramatic, but what can I do? This is how I feel. It’s a bit comforting to know that others feel the same and that I am not crazy.
How is it that you give them a comfortable home and all the love and yet they STILL want to be away from you?? Rite of passage? I guess,
but damn it hurts! Will it get easier??
November 8th, 2006 at 10:09 pm
Jeanette,
Thank you for your comments. Enjoy every second with your 13 year old!! I am trying very hard to make through each day. I know that life is too precious to just ‘tread water’ and try to make it to bedtime but that’s all I can do at the moment. I would very much appreciate your prayers!
November 8th, 2006 at 9:14 am
To Dawn,
I too am a single parent like you, but I still have my 13 year old son home with me. I was terribly lonely after my daughter left for college but now that I have made it to November it is getting easier. At first I was devasted and depressed but it has gotten better. Everybody thought I was being dramatic because my daughter was living only 15 minutes away but to me it seemed like she was in another country. I understand completely how you feel about the whole husband and free time thing. I certainly dont envy your position that all your kids are gone, I stilll have my son home and am still lonely. Take life a moment at a time and may god bless you.
November 7th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
I have raised 4 children by myself. They are very close in age. 2 of my boys joined the army (pretty much at the same time). My daughter lived at home while going to college and my youngest was still home. My daughter graduated and bought her own house, my baby left for college, and I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (who truly is the love of my life). I instantly went from trying to find enough time for everyone to DEAD SILENCE. Being a single mom empty nester is killing me!! I feel too young to be at this place in life (I guess I’m not too young, I’m 43!) and I hate being alone!! I am very close to my kids still and we get together often. But it is just not the same. I hate coming home to an empty house, and I’m nursing a broken heart on top of it all! I am drowning in depression. I have NEVER been depressed before. God intended that when the babies leave the nest the husband and wife finally have time for ‘them’. What do you do when you are all alone?????? Any other single empty nesters out there??
October 24th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
The sliver of misery in me loves company, and it’s always better to know you are not alone. Our only son is a two hour plane ride away. It has helped that we moved right before we drove him up to DC; while he has a space that’s his inour new home, I don’t have to face his complete history of memories every day, anywhere but in my head. He doesn’t call much and his emails are short but like the other mom, I save every one. I still send him notes and cards, and mail order things he might need, cookies for midterm study nights. He may roll his eyes but I know he likes the attention, especially now that it’s tempered by time and distance. It must be hard soetimes to be an only child; my parents had four plus large families in town, so the attention we each got was limited. A one and only gets no relief!
It’s not that I don’t have 1001 things to do. It’s that I miss him being one of those everyday joys. Yes I am proud, I want him to be independent, I am happy he’s happy, and I wouldn’t want him anywhere else but where he wants to be. But we definitely are looking forward to the holidays!
October 16th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
The tale continues …….
After settling in, we go to lunch and are greeted by the wife of the president of the University. Small talk back and forth and then the bomb is dropped. Today at 6 you have to say your good byes. Say good byes ? No, I am not ready. I couldn’t possibly be ready in just a few short hours from now. What about tomorrow, I wonder. We made reservations at a nearby hotel so we could go shopping tomorrow for whatever Amanda needed for her room. Don’t tell me she doesn’t need me. I will be back in the morning for breakfast with my daughter and I will put off the good byes for another l2 hours.
Needless to say we don’t hear from Amanda that night. The next morning I debate calling her. Finally I call “We are going to come over for breakfast in about an hour, ok? Yeah, I guess so. It’s just I have to be in a seminar at 10:00 am.” She replies. When we arrive on campus I already feel teary eyed. We have to wait for her and the heaviness is building on me. Thank god for sunglasses. Finally she comes strolling down the hill looking more beautiful than ever with the famous one liner “Hey, whats up?”
You can try to tell them important things like being safe and safeguarding your property but it doesn’t really sink in. We showed her a sign on the bulletin board entering the dining hall “Watch your stuff - don’t show anyone your cash stash.” Yeah, yeah, mom I know. This would come back to her very quickly. After a light meal, we walk outside. Are you sure you don’t need anything else? Do you want us to take you to the store? You know where everything is? Yes, mom, yes. It is here - the moment. Both her and my husband know I am hysterical behind the glasses. She hugs my husband and then holds me tight, rubbing my back, comforting me as the mother should be doing. I don’t want to let go. “Alright, call me later” I force out through the tears. I want to tell her so much , all the lines I have been rehearsing about how proud I am of her and how much I love her. I can’t. I can barely breathe.
Everyone had asked “have you worked out a schedule for calling your daughter?” No, I did not work out a schedule or a specific time for talking to my own daughter. I spoke with her everyday while she lived at home and I don’t expect a thing to change. Sure enough ½ hour after leaving campus my cell rings. “Hey mom, I went to human resources with Alyssa and they need my birth certificate before I can start work.” Oh thank god, she still needs me.
October 14th, 2006 at 11:42 am
This August my son, the youngest of my two children, left for his third year of college. I thought this would be easier since I’ve done this many times before with both him and his sister. But like all the other times, I get to thinking on the drive and start to cry. It’s hard to let go after all the years and realize that he is doing exactly what I raised him to do…be a responsible adult, living on his own. I’m proud of both my children and the paths they’ve taken in their lives. I’ve come to accept that this is just one more phase of my life. And while it’s still a bit uncomfortable, I accept it. I’ve learned that being “Mom” doesn’t stop just because they leave home, that I’m not exclusively defined as just “Mom” and that there are so many more things for me to experience once my child rearing duties are done. The challenge is to get out there and experience them, even when I least feel like doing that. So my advice to other “empty nesters” is try something new, keep busy and although your heart is sad, find the joy that comes from living new experiences. It’s really hard, but it’s also really worth the effort.
October 8th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
I would like to know if there are other parents that feel the way my husband and I do. Our eldest child is in her freshman year in college and the college seems to think that professors that flunk 70 % of their class on their first test to be okay. In the work force, a 70% failure rate would result in the end of several careers. The professor say that all things under the sun can be tested on so why are we paying 30,000 a year if it is not the professor objective to teach? Do people in the work force have to guess what their job duties are?We have send our daughter to college to learn and she seems to be teaching her self all over again. I looked forward to the opportunity for her the learn from the Phd level and they seem to be there to only serve their needs. Please help, has anyone experienced this and what was your solution???????
October 7th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
In response to Jeanette
My baby girl will be going to college ( campus living) in January and already I miss her. She too will only be 20 minutes from home (actually more like 15) but we flet that dorm life would be better for her than commuting. As Cara said “Let the journey begin”>>>
October 6th, 2006 at 8:28 pm
My intention of starting this blog is to hear from other moms dealing with saying goodbye to our children going off to college. I am thrilled with the writing and I hope we can continue to support each other. Lets make sure that we do and to know that we are all here for each other. Let the journey begin and lets begin it together
sincerely,
Cara
October 6th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I have enjoyed reading the empty nest stories. Like many I miss my son who ia a junior at a University about 90 miles from home. He spent this past summer on campus and I did feel his absence. My daughter, who is our older child, now resides in a city 1,000 miles away from home. When she left for her freshman year I was actually physically ill for about 1 month. However, now I am able to look at my son’s departure as a rite of passage. I have been enjoying myself and taken up cycling. I joined Team in Training and for the first time I will complete a Century ride in November. Along with my training I have raised a lot of money for the Leukemia and Lymphomas Society. I also tutor children as a volunteer twice a week. Additionally, I do have a teaching job. SO, I have kept myself busy although entering my children’s empty rooms does bring a pang of some pain to my heart.
October 6th, 2006 at 9:03 am
My oldest child, my daughter, my friend, left for college on August 28 and it has been more difficult then I imagined. She is only 20 minutes from home but stays on campus. If one more person tells me she is only a short drive from home I might just hit them! It seems like she is 1,000 miles from me. I am a single parent and no one seems to understand how traumatic this is. My son is 13 and he misses her but his life is going on, I am not so sure about mine. The first time I set the table for dinner and only had to put out 2 plates, I cried. It has gotten easier but it is still not easy. Time is helping but I am very sad that she is no longer here with me every day. She is doing fantastic and I hope as the weeks and months go by, that I too will be OK.
October 5th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
i can’t thank you enough, all of you, and mr. boyle, for these letters. i have never added to a blog, nor have i ever read one. but, i read all of these. as i sat here, crying and crying, and relating to them all, i have never felt so Not Alone anymore. i so appreciate all of your sharing. i can’t believe so many of you have gone through what i went through. just want to thank you for your courage and openness. Lena and Linda and Valerie’s entries were especially profoundly meaningful to me. just thank you cause this is so hard, so hard. love, judy
October 4th, 2006 at 8:57 pm
Hello from Anne Menter, author of the book “Empty Nest: one mother’s journey”. This is the book that Jim boyle mentions in his Empty Nest article this month.
I want to say that I HAVE BEEN THERE - where many of you are now - facing the challenges and emotional struggles of kids leaving home - and being lonely, and wondering how to handle this new relationship with the kids and with myself too. That is the reason I decided to self-publish my book - to help other moms who are searching for comfort and direction in this letting-go and moving-on with our lives.
If anyone has any questions about my book or about my early empty nest experience, I will be happy to respond. You can visit the website www.emptynestmom.com to read excerpts from the book. Take care. Anne
October 4th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
My oldest went off to college at the August and I too have a lot of the same feelings that you all share. Excitement, joy, anxiety, fear and so on. It took me 3 weeks to write a letter to him that I left in his dorm room when we dropped him off. My son and I are real close and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and would miss him. The first is the hardest to send off but I knew in my heart he was going to be happy where he was going. We both felt the same way abouth the college he was going to. The only thing I felt funny about was that I didn’t really cry when we dropped him off and my husband said I could in the car on the way home, but I didn’t. I guess I just felt content knowing I was leaving him at place I felt good about. It’s now been about 5 weeks and just saw him for the first time last weekend and he seems so happy and has made a lot of friends. We are happy for him but at the same time still miss him. His younger brother said it seemed like he never left when we were all back together. There has been so many times I have felt sad and almost cried wanting to have him back home, but know in my heart things are going well. Hope to keep open communication with him and just let him know we’re here for him.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:37 pm
Just a thank you to all the “authors” above. I experienced all the above feelings when my oldest (a daughter) left for college, my middle one ( a son) left for college, and now my youngest ( a son) has left for college. Each “leaving” was a loss for me. I am sorry I did not know about this site back when my older children went to college. I am greatful to read the stories now. Well guys, the foundations are built, and our children are now building the house. As I said to each and everyone of my three children. I spent years building their foundation, now they must build the house. Cracks? there will be cracks and windows that stick along the way, but the end result will be a mansion, how could it not be? With us for support and their foundation built……it is onward and upward. (I sound so strong as I type this with tears in my eyes….bittersweet tears….tears of joy, tears of selfishness, tears of understanding, tears of fear, tears of happiness, tears of understanding, tears of anxiousness……hmmm tears of life).
October 3rd, 2006 at 3:31 pm
My youngest and only daughter left for college 6 weeks ago. She chose to go far enough away from home to make it too costly to make frequent trips home. We were very close as mother-daughter but now our relationship is becoming “best friends.” She has pulled the 18 year old card on me and has already referenced when she turns 21! We are growing as friends because my daughter has chosen to keep me involved in her life, primarily by text messages and those interrupted phone calls because,”someone else is calling”..Ah, the wonders of technology as I would feel like I am invading her if I called as often as my heart wants, but with text messaging and pix messaging I can send her little thoughts, pix of the dogs and dad and she graciuosly responds with her own texts and pixs. She shows me her life and friends in pix and at least I see her smiling face and know she is happy. Have we cried on the phone? yes, did we cry on the plane? you bet. They were and are tears of saddness and joy as she and I feel both emotional extremes as she ventures into her new life. I am happy for her but I am also happy for myself as I watch her become a woman and realize that I did a pretty good job of raising her, the most important job in my life. Raise your glasses to all these college freshman who have survived their first few months of perhaps the scariest time of their lives, and to all of us parents who have shed joyful tears!
October 3rd, 2006 at 7:31 am
These are all lovely comments. I too sent my firstborn daughter off to college this fall. Her time in high school flew by, and all the activities cheerleading, dances, volunteerism flew away with her. I miss her terribly and try hard not to call her or intrude on her newfound happiness. She is a very independent young women and it showed when she left. She was more concerned with us than herself! There were tears, but the worst part was returning home to her empty bedroom and all the now-gone bustling about that she invariably did each and every day! My son is now a 9th grader in high school and we are learning to slow down with him and savor all of his life activities, baseball, basketball, and any other thing he can dream up! Because it’s true…before you know it they’re out on there own and while they’re almost always fine and happy…you’re proud of them first, but sad to see that your “baby” has grown up! How and when did that happen!!!
October 2nd, 2006 at 11:33 pm
I can relate to all of these stories. When my only child left for NYU last year I was devasted. She was having a blast. We live in California and she only came home at Christmas. There was so many times I wanted to jump on a plane and go visit her. I cried daily for months. I didn’t wash her sheets so I could “smell her” anytime. When my husband traveled for work I would sleep in her bed. Pathetic, I know!!
When she went back to school after the break she had a hard time - missing her family and home. Maybe because it was 75 degrees at home and 10 degrees in NYC!!! She is a total beach girl!!! It is way easier to know your child is happy at school.
She is now a sophmore and his year was not any easier when she left. Maybe by the time she is a senior it will get easier. I can only hope.
October 2nd, 2006 at 9:37 pm
we had to drive our son josh to ohio state university all the way from texas. that trip was one of the hardest, longest trips i’ve ever experienced. reading all the other stories, i can truly relate. i know as well that josh will be home for the holidays. but like some of those stories said, what about those days in between? those nights when you look in their room and you realize they’re not here? when you actually feel like you want them to be miserable, to at least have them call or email and say, “dad…i want to come home” i worry about him, is he eating? is he sick? does he have enough money? does he have everything he needs?what if something happens to him or what if…will i be there as soon as i can to pick him up, to guide him? little by little i’m feeling like i’m understanding that he is happy there, that he does miss us, but he’s beginning a new life, HIS own life. and what i truly understand the most is that he got there through all those years of his hard work, and dedication. we as parents sacrificed alot into those 12 years of education, from p.t.a. meetings, to driving them to all kinds of different functions, dances, proms, tux rentals fittings, band practices, booster club meetings, banquets, competitions, back and forth we went. i believe that as parents we do what comes natural and we do it all for them. for my son josh, it all paid off. he recieved a full paid scholarship to OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY! and i cant begin to tell you how proud i am. i can tell you this; i have told him how proud i am. and every chance i get to talk to him either by phone or emails…i tell him so and i also tell him how much i miss him and how much i love him…and i usually get, “yeah, i know dad…me too”
October 2nd, 2006 at 9:18 pm
My youngest left about a month ago. She is at the same school as her sister who is junior so that helps me feel sure she has someone who loves her for who she is near by since they are both 9 hours away. My own mother (of 7) sent me a wonderful note the week after my baby left. She said that it is our job to prepare them to leave-we love and give them the tools and skills to become adults and then it is finally time to let them go. She said to miss them and feel sad but be proud of what they become and what you have done to help them get there. What better impact can you have in this world than to help mold a child.
So to fill my empty nest as a single parent I am starting to tutor children from the inner city in our town-helps me fill my time and be around children and keep trying to have a positive impact on children.
As my 76 year old mother told me-rejoice in the life you have impacted. And instead of volunteering for all those things I did at school and extracurricular activities, I’m finding my new passion. Remember-we did have a life BK (before kids), we will have a new life after they have left our homes-
October 2nd, 2006 at 9:08 pm
When my oldest daugther went off to college, I was so excited for her and was quite surprised that I didn’t take it harder then I did. The last 30 seconds in her dorm room were awful, but as soon as I walked out, I was fine and so was she….but this year I sent my second born off, my only son…..I thought this would be a piece of cake..I’ve done it before. I know the ropes. I was fine through all the preparations, the plans, but on the morning we were going to take him (4 -1/2 hours away), tears just started rolling out of my eyes…it didn’t feel like I was crying, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. I pulled myself together because I knew everyone else in the family would think I had lost it. We made the trip, I kept my cool…again with the last 30 seconds in the dorm room, but this time, he started to cry and his dad started to cry, and that’s when I realized that my husband was “losing” his son..this was much bigger then sending his daughter off to school…we all just quickly said goodbye and left. It’s been close to a month and it’s been like someone has opened my heart and poked a hole right through it. I still can’t believe I feel this lost. My husband spent the first two weeks looking at all the old home movies, saying that they needed to be labeled…I just left him go…..we still have a younger daughter who is a senior at home, but the whole dynamics of our house has changed….not just changed…practically stopped. We still have activities, work, stuff to do, but it’s just so quiet all of the time. My son came home this past weekend…it was so very different, he’s seems so not a part of us anymore. I know it’s his way of dealing with being away, his dad said that they cried a little this time when they said goodbye too……
October 2nd, 2006 at 8:52 pm
I am writing to M.Campbell to let her know that she wrote the words for the exact way I have been feeling. And I too find it comforting that others are feeling the same loss I do. Many of my friends and family just don’t seem to understand, they tell me that he’s an adult now and it’s time to let go.
I guess it’s going to take some getting used to. Just as our college bound children are starting new chapters in their lives, I guess it’s time for us to do the same.
October 2nd, 2006 at 5:10 pm
Reading all of these comments make me cry! I have an ONLY son who will graduate from high school spring 2007. It will be very hard to see him go even though we still don’t know how far he will go yet. I DO want to savor everyday I have with him tell him how much I love him. All I want is for him to be SAFE and HAPPY whatever college he lands at. I know he has mixed feelings about leaving home - he tends to worry about “mom” when she’s home alone - isn’t that sweet! I hear from friends and family that you get used to them being gone. I hope that’s true because I really want my husband and I to do more together and travel some. I’m looking forward to that!
There will be tears but lots of smiles because we are so VERY proud of him.
October 2nd, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Thanks for all of the stories. My first is at college near by (30 Min) and we go to home football games to see her in the band. My husband I and I couldn’t be more proud. I miss her at night when everyone should be in the house or in bed. The extra time with my younger daughter is nice, but the house seems a little more empty …and a little less hectic, which actually is a little sad. I haven’t heard from her in several days, and I am trying to decide if I should call or not. Perhaps an email is better.
October 2nd, 2006 at 4:14 pm
For some reason when my oldest daughter left for college it was much easier than I had anticipated. I was excited for her and excited for us. It was an opportunity to focus on our two boys, their sports, camping and “guy stuff”. The last few years seemed to revolve around our daughter and I think everyone welcomed the change and somehow we were all ready for it. With the two boys left at home, one a senior this year and another a junior, we are so busy getting through each week whether it’s rushing them to practice, going to games and cross country meets, running out to get last minute items for projects, or even just another gallon of milk, it seems like it is never going to end, but the fact is, it will - and all too soon! I find myself thinking “this is the last time we will all…” for things that we do every year as a family. I tell all my friends with young children to enjoy it, it goes by too fast. I tell my friends and other parents with kids in high school “the senior year flies by and it will be over before you know it” but for some reason, sometimes I forget that myself. I’m still working on the “not sweating the small stuff” but now when I am in the middle of something, I stop to listen and enjoy all their stories and appreciate the fact that they want to share their day, their experiences, and their life with me. I know that the bond we have will continue when they go and although I cannot even think of my son leaving for college without getting teary eyed, I know we have taught them well and all the hard work has led us to where we are now. Last night my youngest son (16) asked me what I was going to do when they are gone… I told him I would like to take some classes, maybe pottery, drawing or photography and he suggested glass-blowing. I told him I wanted to get back into yoga, and exercise regularly and read more. I realized there are a lot of things I would like to do that I don’t have time for now and I am beginning to embrace the transition and look forward to the future - for all of us.
October 2nd, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Reading these blogs are making me tear up. I miss my daughter so much. She has been in school for a month now and when I saw her last weekend she was so busy I didn’t get enough time with her. She is so happy and loving her new life at college. That does comfort me some but I miss her terribly every day. I have one other daughter at home; a senior in high school. She misses her sister too and I’m not sure she likes all the additional attention she is getting. It doesn’t help that she is very involved in a college search of her own and most of her choices take her even farther away than her sister. My daughters = My life. Yes I have a job outside the home but being their mother has been the best part of my life. I’m very proud of my girls and the young women they have become and I’m excited for their future. I know I will find other things to keep me busy but I think the ‘void’ will be there for a long time to come.
October 2nd, 2006 at 1:34 pm
I can relate to Barb. I have 2 boys both of which were very involved in sports while in high school. They are 3 1/2 years apart so when 1 was a freshman the other a senior. They kept their father and I goint all the time between baseball, football, cross country and wrestling. We never stopped. My oldest is in his Senior year of college now 2 hours away from home and the youngest in this freshman year 7 hours away from home. Both are very independant, which I wanted, but it sure would be nice to hear once in a while “we still need you mom”. If it weren’t for the internet I don’t know if we would ever hear from them because they don’t call (unless they need something), but with IM’s and text message we talk almost every day. We do miss not having the contact and not being able to see them play their sports but they must grow up and we must let them. It is hard in the evening when the house is quiet with no music, video games, and guitars playing but we’re getting use to it. We are finally getting things done around the house that we never had time to do because of running so much. A tip for parents. Time flys faster than you think it will, don’t wait to say I love you and am proud of you, because saying that might make the littlest bit of difference in their lives.
October 2nd, 2006 at 12:22 pm
I just returned from my first visit with our youngest child. When we took his older brother off to college the first time, my heart broke. I remember my first email from him which included the lyrics of a country and western song about the baby coming home when his mother passed away. He sent this to me to let me know that he still loved me and would in some way still need me, although it would not be the same as before. However, his younger brother was still at home and still needed me.
Now two years later, no one remains at home with Mom and Dad. This one doesn’t seem to need the same amount of home contact as his older brother, which makes it even harder.
Both boys joined us for a birthday celebration, along with friends of our older son. What a great weekend, visiting with all the kids getting an update on their hectic schedules, all the interesting activities, and most of all a peek at their “college lifestyle”.
I now know that all the hard work we put in over the past 21 years has been well worth it, and I am very proud of my two sons and the choices they have made so far.
October 2nd, 2006 at 11:39 am
Having our oldest son leave for college was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to face so far in my life. I thought I was doing great by “keeping it together”, but the day we left to drive our son to college, he broke down and cried. At that point I lost it ! Our son (as well as our other two children) are real home bodies. The have a lot of friends, but prefer to stay home most of the time. My husband on the other hand could not understand why I was not happy with our son leaving the nest ! I really wanted to take him out at the knees, but some how I held back ! I explained to my husband that part of my favorite job has just been taken away from me. Even though we still have two other children at home, having the first one leave was very hard on me. After our son got settled in his dorm room, we said our good-byes. It was a good thing I was the driver to college and home, other wise I would have been crying the whole way home. Our son called after we got home, and he was doing great, I knew this would happen. I told him when we left that this was just like Kindergarten, except he could not come home every day ! He calls frequently and e-mails us as well. He is having a great time enjoying the college life and the tears do not seem to fall at the drop of a hat anymore !!! Life does move on, I miss not having our son home everynight, but I also know that we are not the first or the last family to go through this.
Now the time has come to see how our son uses all of the information that we have given him over the last 18 years. I know he will be just fine !!!
October 2nd, 2006 at 11:23 am
Everything I’ve read relates to how it has been leading up to our first son leaving for college, and how I feel right now. I miss him terribly, and cannot seem to shake the empty feeling. I don’t sleep well either, often waking up worrying about something I feel I need to advise him about, or warn him of. Friends say that he’s only 2 hours drive away, and that he’ll be home for holidays and visits……which he is. But ….. odd visits don’t help, somehow. The whole dynamic of the family has changed with his leaving. We still have a 12 year-old son at home, and I dread him leaving one day, since this one is so hard. I’m trying to let go, give him independence and not get involved with his life, and some days I seem to do very well, but most of the time, I feel I don’t. I guess it comes with time and practice!!! It’s comforting to know that other parents are going through the same experience.
October 2nd, 2006 at 10:49 am
Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. It was so familiar…except that it is my ONLY child and going a mere 70 miles away…. with her PINK and GREEN comforter set. (Victoria’s Secret) It’s only been 6 weeks and she comes home every other weekend, but I am just as lost without her as I can be. I don’t sleep well at night, usually worrying!!! We talk on the phone, text, and e-mail, but nothing is like seeing her smile every day and knowing most everything about her day.
October 2nd, 2006 at 8:43 am
Hey Mom. . .
A Tale of One Woman and Her College Freshman Child
The e-mails were far and few between but when they came I would read each line over and over, each time clicking “keep as new” so as never to lose it. I could not let go.
Everyone told me, “It’s time to let go mom.” Let go? How could I? This was my first born. She had been with me since the beginning of my life or so it seemed, through everything, the divorce, the move, her sister, the remarriage, two new brothers, and surgery. Never mind the thought of almost losing her to a disease which luckily turned out to be treatable. She had been forced to grow up quicker than most and she did it with style.
Now she had left me, and I took it personally. My baby. . .gone. Oh I knew that I would see her for holidays and breaks. But not every day and that’s what hurt. I wouldn’t see her coming up the stairs with her long mane of blond hair hanging down to her waist. I wouldn’t see her tripping up the steps as she undoubtedly would do every day. Forget not being able to see her beautiful smile and eyes. I had always told her that the eyes are the window to the soul and in her case both of these were beautiful.
I still cry today, every day. I don’t cry for her, how could I? She is having the time of her life. I cry out of selfishness. I miss her. I secretly wish that she could be just as miserable as I am, just hate it. Call me and tell me you miss us and you want to come home. Just once.
My husband kept reminding me of my mood change just prior to her leaving. I grew more and more tense by the day anticipating the date – August 20th. I bought everything I could to make her feel comfortable away from home. The beautiful pink and green she had selected for her room colors. As I watched the garage fill with dorm room stuff, my heart grew heavier.
Then the day arrived. My husband began pacing at 6:00 AM, the time we were to leave. Amanda wasn’t ready to go. The truck was loaded from the night before. Of course, it had rained. Rain always seems to accompany Amanda on important journeys.
6:30 AM she is ready. Tori can’t lift her head from the pillows for fear of showing her tears. Amanda takes one last walk through the house as if to take a picture for her memory. Then we are off. The uneventful 4-hour ride quickly turns upon entering the campus bustling with freshmen. Each student with identical Bed, Bath and Beyond bags.
October 2nd, 2006 at 8:42 am
You could hear noses being blown as well as cheers and claps as the NBPS class of 2006 entered into the auditorium to receive their graduation diploma. For me my body went numb, my heart sank to the floor, and my son from a distance told me with the toss of his cap that he was ready to leave the nest.
When Ari was entering ninth grade, I sat on the bleachers at the beginning of the school year for a new parent/student assembly. A mom next to me had a freshman and a senior and she told me that the next four years would fly by. I thought she was just talking because Ari was just a freshman and I had all the time in the world to be with him.
Graduating from high school was just way too far away to think about. Every day I cherished with my son. Every day was a joy, a picnic, a reason to get up, a reason to say goodnight, a reason to be part of society, a reason to qualify myself as an important part of society. I was Ari’s mom.
Hockey games, hockey parents, hockey travel gave us the weekends to look forward to. Planning for summer camps, and winter vacations and spring breaks with my family. All too sudden now that has faded into the background, and here I am now understanding what the mom told me four years ago on the bleachers: “Be careful, those years will fly by.”
So what now? All my years of mothering, nurturing and running came to a complete halt on graduation night. With the toss of Ari’s graduation cap so went my life as I knew it for the past 17 years. Off to a place now that I won’t be able to join. To a place where young people go to become independent and free to find themselves. Off to a place where they take all that was given, all that was taught and test it for themselves.
As my son’s life journey is just starting in the world, so must mine. I would love to hear from other moms as to what journey they are setting for themselves now that their child has gone off to college.