What To Do If Your College Student Isn’t Picking Up the Phone

We hear a lot about the growing amount of communication between college parents and their college students.  This growing communication is generally two-way communication. Parents aren’t the only ones doing the calling.

But what if too much communication with your college student isn’t your problem?  What if all communication with your college student feels one-way?   Your student doesn’t pick up your calls or return messages or e-mails.  You may be frustrated, worried, or just plain angry.  It may help if you give some thought to why your student may not be communicating much, as well as what you can do, and shouldn’t do, to help increase the chances that your student will communicate more.

What not to do when your student doesn’t call

You never hear from your college student – or at least it seems that way to you.  You feel you need to take some action.  There are a few things we’d suggest that you avoid as you consider what to do.

• Don't call him constantly.  Calling every hour or two to remind your student that you haven’t heard from him yet probably won’t help.  The same caution is true of texting.  Constantly texting “CALL ME!” won’t help.  If you are friends with your student on Facebook, definitely don’t leave messages there.
• If you do hear from your student, don’t spend the conversation berating her for not calling sooner or more often Don’t use precious talk time making your student feel worse.
• Unless you are truly worried about your student’s health and safety, don’t call your student’s roommate, friends, or Residence Hall Director.  Don’t embarrass your student by escalating the lack of contact to another level.  Of course, if you are ever truly concerned about your student’s well being, call the college and ask for help.

What might help improve communication with your student

As frustrating as it may be when your student doesn’t stay in contact with you, there are some actions that you can take that might help to open the doors to better communication.

• Think carefully about how much you are communicating with your student.  Perhaps you are overwhelming him and you should back off a bit.  It may seem contradictory to think that less communication from you will result in more communication from him, but it is possible.  It might give him more space to respond.
• Let your student take the lead about how she’d like to contact you.  Does she prefer a phone call or would she rather e-mail you occasionally.  Is a quick text best or would she rather use Skype to have a meaningful video chat? 
• Let your student know why you feel you need to hear from him.  This may also be an important exercise for you.  Think about your need.  Are you worried about him?  Are you lonely because he’s not home?  Be honest with yourself and your student about your needs.  Your student may be more understanding when he realizes why you want to hear from him.
• Keep the channels open by sending light, newsy messages from home without any expectations.  Send an occasional e-mail with the latest town or family gossip.  Send an e-card that says “I love you” or “Good luck” or “I’m proud of you.”  Send a real, snail mail card or letter with news clippings or a gift card. Send a small care package once in a while. 
• If your student does call, thank her for calling without making her feel guilty.  A simple “Thank you for calling.  I really appreciate it” will do, then move on. 
• Be reasonable in your expectations.  Perhaps because there is so much in the news these days about the amount of contact between students and parents, you may expect to hear from your student more than you need to.  A bit less communication between parents and students may be healthier. 
• If you are close enough to the college to be able to do so, let your student know that you haven’t heard from him so you plan to come to the college to check on him.  He may respond quickly to let you know he’s fine.  (He may also be happy to have you come to visit, so be prepared to follow through on this.)
• When your student comes home for break, try to find a neutral time and have a discussion about how/when/why to communicate.  Negotiate.  Listen to her reasons for not calling.  Ask her to listen to your reasons for needing a call. Ask her what she thinks is a reasonable amount of contact.  

The amount of communication between parents and their college age students is a very personal decision.  Too much communication may not encourage your student to gain the independence and self agency.  Too little communication may not give your student the support that you hope to provide.  Work with your student to understand his needs and to let him understand yours.  Healthy communication will help your relationship continue to grow throughout the college years.