Why Your College Student Might Not Be Calling

In spite of everything we hear these days about the growing amount of communication between college students and their parents, not every family may be overcommunicating.  Some families may feel that they don’t hear enough from their college student. Perhaps you call, text, e-mail – and you get no response.  Your student doesn’t pick up your calls or return messages or e-mails.  You may be frustrated, worried, or just plain angry. 

Have you thought about why your student may not be communicating much, or what you can do, and shouldn’t do, to help increase the chances that your student will communicate more?

Why aren’t you hearing from your college student?

• Are your expectations realistic?  How much do you expect your student to communicate?  Are you hoping to hear from her every day, or multiple times each day?   The problem may not be that your student never communicates, but that it never seems to be enough to live up to your expectations.
• Your student may be practicing his independence.  Although you know that he can be independent and still call or write, he may be experimenting with how this new independence works.  He is asserting his right to choose whether to call, or when to call.  Allow him the choice of when to call. Make it clear that you need to hear from him – but that he has control over when and how.
• Your student may be homesick and know that calling and talking to you will only make her feel worse.  She may not want to tell you how much she misses you and how unhappy she is.  If this is the reason, the communication blackout may be only temporary. Once she is feeling a little better, she will be more willing to call and talk.  It will help if you remind yourself that some homesickness is normal.
• Far from being homesick, your student may not call because she is so busy having a good time, getting her schoolwork done and generally being involved on campus. Each day goes by and she hasn’t had time to be in touch. Remember that this is probably the adjustment you had hoped for and celebrate.
• Things may not be going well for your student at school.  He may be struggling in his classes, having difficulty making friends, or he may have been disciplined for a behavioral issue.  (Remember that parents will not necessarily be notified about poor grades or discipline issues.)  Your student may not be calling you because he doesn’t want to tell you about what is going on and he doesn’t want to lie to you.
• Your student may not call you because of the tone of the conversation when he does.  You may need to think carefully about what happens during the phone calls.  Do you grill your student about every aspect of his life?  Do you remind him constantly of everything he should, or shouldn’t, be doing? Do you make him feel guilty that he is not doing better, coming home more, calling more, etc?  It may be easier for your student to avoid these calls.

There are many different reasons why your student may not be returning your phone calls.  From a parent perspective, you may not like these reasons, but it may help to think about them from the student perspective.  It is important for parents to recognize that there are many different reasons why you may not be hearing from your student, and your response may need to change depending on the reason.  You may need to talk to your student about why he doesn’t call – and about why you feel you need to hear from him.  When you have that conversation, be sure that you are doing as much listening as talking.