Is Your College Student a Good Roommate?

Much has been written to help students get along with roommates.  Much of what is written, however, focuses on what to expect from a roommate and how to react to potential problems. 

Rather than focusing on how to deal with a roommate, we’d like to suggest some things your student can do to make sure that she is being the best possible roommate herself. Rather than thinking about what to expect from a roommate, help her think about what to expect from herself.  

• Start out early finding out your roommate’s important ground rules.  Students are often told that it is important to set ground rules at the outset.  However, many students enter this discussion thinking only about what their ground rules need to be.  Focus on learning what your roommate’s ground rules are first, then talk about yours
• Be careful on Move-in Day.  It is a natural thing to want to get to the room first and make sure that you get the best bed, best side of the room, best desk – and maybe even rearrange the room to your liking.  Think, rather, about waiting until your roommate arrives and asking what he’d like to do.  You’ll demonstrate an important attitude about this relationship right from the beginning.
• Learn to practice good listening skills.  We are so often busy thinking about what we want to say next, or what we think the person is saying, that we miss the actual message.  Listen to what your roommate has to say and ask questions if necessary.  You’ll not only get the message better, you’ll show your roommate that you value what she has to say.
• Communicate directly, early and often.  Yes, it is common sense that communicating will help the relationship, but don’t wait until something is an issue and don’t skirt around the issue.  Speak up if something bothers you, speak frankly, speak directly (no nasty notes left on a desk or Facebook posts).
• Understand that roommates do not necessarily need to be best friends.  A friendship may certainly develop, and roommates sometimes do become lifelong friends, but that isn’t necessarily an important factor in sharing a room. 
• Be realistic.  Know that there will be problems.  If you are prepared for some difficult days, you will not be alarmed each time something comes up.  If you expect that living together will be perfect all of the time, you will set yourself up for disappointment.
• Be prepared to compromise.  Be prepared to give in.  Get comfortable with what the word compromise actually means.  Plan to be the one that will go the distance to make this relationship work. 
• Expect the best.  This seems obvious, but often is not.  Students worry so much about potential roommate problems that they may enter into the relationship expecting that it will be difficult and may not work. Enter into this expecting that it is going to work and is going to be good and satisfying. 
• Show respect in everything that you do and say.  Whether your roommate is similar to you or very different, whether you are having a wonderful time together or in the midst of a disagreement, whether you are angry or sad or tired or sick, try your best to show your roommate the respect that you hope that he will always show to you.

Roommate relationships can be delicate things, and like any important relationship, it can take a lot of effort to make them work.  As a college parent, you can help your student understand that she will need to be proactive in making this living situation the best that it can be. Whatever happens, she will know that she has done everything she is capable of doing to establish a good relationship.